so my friends...currently. Are basically amazing, kt included =] as always


i'm really glad she came into my uh "group" which was just me and the guys. it's so comfortable and i love it cause guys are usually very low drama, which makes me very happy and kt is the same way about drama so it all works out seeing as how shes the only other girl in our happy little family. But Chris is going to college soon which is kinda bad, cause besides kt, i talk to him the most. and yeah...I've been wanting a friend in my life who could teach me and kinda influence me and have serious conversations with. and he's basically like that and yeah, i'll still talk to him when he goes but it's not the same.

He analyzes a lot and he wants to major in psychology so he's really good to talk to and he makes sense most of the time.

i honestly never want this group of friends i have to be ruined, cause it's so comfortable and chill that i'll kill anyone that tries to destroy it.

kelly and liz don't hang out with us...but they probably will when Eric gets back cause he's the only one of the guys that actually doesn't completely hate or notice i guess, the drama they kinda bring.

and i'm excited for school to start...it's gonna be my most eventful year probably, as well as my most challenging...school newspaper and all honors classes -_- but i really am excited cause i did really well my freshman year, and i you really think about it your freshman and sophomore years are the only ones you have to try really hard at because you start looking at school your junior year and getting your applications thought out and whatnot. so i have the first half already down, and a strong GPA. =]

*sigh* i'm just gonna take it really chill and have fun with john and everyone...

i turn 16 soon, and i'm rather pissed at myself for not getting my permit right when i turned 15 because if i had i would be driving a month after john got his license =] and that would probably mean alot more freedom and whatnot. but no...i have to wait til march -_-

but hey, john can drive me =]






....i can't wait to make a difference

uhh.


I've decided i over analyze and care too much


It get's in the way of me being completely happy.





then again, it's prevented me from getting hurt in the past cause i analyzed and prepared myself from what i feared might happen. Then it ends up happening.



So idk.


Maybe it only happened because i thought of it so much and worried about it that it caused it to happen.



confusing shit
bleh

so i was thinking earlier and...there's a lot of people that have been in my life that have made me the way i am and influenced me, some in a good way...and some in a bittersweet way, and what i mean by that is they've hurt me to some extent to where i actually learn positively from it.

The first person, is Shirley Coffman...my stepdad's cousin's wife, she came down to visit not to long ago and it was when i had just started knowing what it is that i wanna do in life which is go to University Of Florida and become a photojournalist. My mom of course doesn't take it seriously because she doesn't want me to be that...she doesn't even really get what she wants me to be she just knows that photojournalist's don't make too much money, or at least not as much as a lawyer or doctor would make -_- which are her...true desires for what she wants me to be. Anyway, Shirley is a writer and an English teacher and instead of just brushing it off when i told her what i wanted to do, she actually got really excited and started telling me about all these books that were really good, about writing in that particular area and that they were actually interesting books and not just boring workshop manuals that TELL you how to write...she was very encouraging and made me feel as though i could REALLY do this and be really good at it and that feeling...the one of finally knowing what you wanna do. Is really...REALLY great. One of the books that she told me to read that really got me was Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Its about the author and her childhood and how she got to being the writer that she is, and growing up with a father as a writer and always trying to figure out how to write about something that in reality isn't a deep subject...but finding ways to make it deep and find SOME meaning in it...i flipped when i read this because i ad felt that way MANY times when I'd find something I'd want to write about, i would want to give it meaning i just could never find a way to actually do it. This made me uncomfortable with my writing but then reading that made me so relieved.

The second person, Alex Folds...i met him at LFYC, a camp i go to every year, 4 years ago. we dated twice and it was rather long distance cause he lives 45 minutes away in Jupiter FL. I'm pretty sure he'd be surprised to know that he is an influence in my life but he is. Even though dating didn't work we still stayed very close friends and always plan out going to camp together every year. The reason he is such an influence is because of the way he thinks, he's probably the most amazing, most opinionated, mature guy i know and it just makes me so proud almost to have him there for me. I noticed this when i saw the things he wrote about...i had never noticed he was so good with his thoughts and writing. It made me feel almost inferior to him and made me want to write my thoughts down as strongly as he did. He's just almost like a role model and i am SO incredibly happy to know him. He's also someone who supports me on my photography...and that alone is something huge for me because its something that is really special to me.

The last person that i'm gonna include in this, cause its pretty late and my laptop is running out of battery...and i know this is probably gonna surprise him if he ever reads it but...Ryan Ferguson, my ex-boyfriend...he's the influence that's bittersweet, never in a million years will i ever regret dating him even thought it was long distance and not exactly a full on relationship since we never really saw each other often or spent a lot of time together, but i had never felt so strongly about someone as i had about him until now since i'm in a relationship with a guy i see almost everyday and spend basically everyday at his house with him and his friends...its just a different kind of closeness that i never had with ryan, although i did feel VERY strongly for ryan, i'm not gonna deny it...the way ryan influencd me in a good way though is that after awhile when we started kind of having problems i guess, he didnt exactly make me feel like the smartest girl around -_- he called me immature and spoiled...and frankly that made me insecure as fuck and made me really not sure about who i was...then i realized i was really immature and naive, and it pissed me off so much an just made me want to change...so in a way he helped me mature, i will admit some of his words and ways he treated me were really crappy but now i am glad, because of him i realized how shit was. That's really the best i can explain it without sounding confusing...

so i just got home from seeing transformers with eric, lizzy, and chris...it was seriously the best movie i've seen in awhile =].


It was a pretty good night, best part was probably on the way home when eric was driving and he spit out the window and of course, he always has ALL the windows down in the car when he's driving and his spit hit lizzy in the backseat XD...i had called shotgun, thank god or else i woulda been in lizzy's seat and that would have been me. bleh.

3 DAYS TIL HARRY POTTER!!!!!

annd john gets home mondayy!!! ^_^ yayayayayayayaayayaayy~!!1!!!!!


yeahhh cant wait

in bed, on my laptop...not tired but i have a huge headache...didnt really do much today, i was supposed to hang out with kt but my mom took forever to get out of the house cause i was supposed to go somewhere with her and we didnt get back til like 6:30 then kt had gone to dinner so...i went and bought a bookshelf with my mom, and we built it...then tommorow we're rearranging my room and getting rid of this huge dresser thing that just takes up space...and we're gonna move my bed over away from in front of my window so, now i can sneak out extremely easily =] but my mom thinks i just want it that way for more space, which is a plus but yeah...this head ache is really not going away and it sucks hardcore. when me and my mom were unloading the box with the shelves for the bookshelf in it from the car (which was incredibly heavy), she said we had to learn how to do this kind of stuff on our own without a man's help (simply for the stronger upper body strength factor) soon...which im guessing meant shes getting really tired of ed...again, but im not gonna get my hopes up, even though he is a huge reason why this house is so boring and my mom neveer does anything, he kind of just brings this lazy fatass aura into the house that makes my mom slow and lazy...and i hate it cause its one of the main reasons i always want to get out of the house and i dont like bringing people over. Even though i do feel sorry for him, but not sorry enough to have to tolerate his lard ass any longer, especially when he thinks he can be a dick to me without me fighting back, im sick of it.
Anyways,on a happier note...john comes home soon =] which i really need him back home like now, so much crap has happened since he left and i just...need him here cause i know he's someone who'll always be there for me when shit's goin down and i get pissed off at someone...basically leighanne and eric are having issues...again and im really sick of leighanne treating like shit cause he's a really great guy and i trust him more then i do her just cause shes straight up drama...and i HATE drama, it puts me in an incredibly bad mood and i would just rather not deal with shit like that. and so i just really need john back to kind of protect me from it, and eric needs him back now too more then ever cause eric is probably gonna be crushed for the next few days and he needs john here as a best friend kind of thing.

im probably just gonna go take 2 nyquil so i can get sleepy, cause my head is straight up killing me.

g'night

fully bored right now, listening to funeral for a friend on my ihome and watching fresh prince...



just got out of another fight thingy with kt, hence the rant before

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so yeah, now im kinda just sitting here, i had taken a bubble bath and i had my ihome in there and it
was on full blast and john had called but i didnt hear it and i was in there for awhile so when i
went to call him back i guess he gave his dad's cell phone back to him cause he didnt answer and i
really wish he had his own phone right now cause i feel ike talking to him =[ cause i had a really
shitty day /night and i just really want to talk to him :/ i wish he was home already!!! urgh...
anyway, so warped tour is soon, really cant fuckin wait for that its gonna be sick =] im pretty sure
im going with kt and idk whoelse but its still gonna be awesome. Um and i found something out about
myself tonight....i clean when im upset, yeah i was like pissed off and i started doing laundry and
i organized the pill cabinet...and yeah idk, i almost vacummed my moms room too but i took a bubble
bath instead, which calmed me down like always =]

John told me that he wants me to go to new york with him when he goes again next summer to meet all
his family and junk up there =] and because he supposedly cant stand being up there without me lol
so hopefully im doing that next summer...his dad takes him to the beach and junk and they stay in
montauk (the place from Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind) and in the movie it looked gorgeous
so im pretty excited ^_^.

k well, i'm gonna go lay down and try to sleep, g'night

i feel fuckin sick now

k well first off, I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT...somebody always has to come along and fuck up my shit when my life is going just fine, im so sick of it, why cant i just have fun and not have to worry about when someone is going to be mad at me or wont like that im hanging out with someone, leave me the fuck alone and let me have fun, i didnt do shit to you and stop gettin mad at me for no fucking reason, if you call me and i fucking offer to go and hang out with you because i understand that i had made plans with you and i was telling the people i was with i was gonna leave in a lilttle bit to hang out with you dont get so fucking offended when i tell you that im with them but im leaving to go chill with you but no you have to get all fuckin lame and get pissy just cause im with them, im sorry i have other friends other then you that actually like to have fun and dont get mad at me cause i hang out with other fuckin people, get the fuck over it and stop making me feel shitty when im finally in a good moood, i fucking deserve to be happy so stop trying to bring me the fuck down, im your best friend and i will be there for you if you need me i'll hang out with you and i'll talk to you if you ever need me to or want me to but FUCKING STOP getting offended that i hang out with other people im sorry if i hurt you but i've tried many fucking times to explain to you that your my best friend and i care about you but you just dont fucking get it and you keep giving me shit about my life so just FUCKING STOP cause it really gets to me more then it should cause im retarded and really emotional and it hurts me when you say shit like that so stop it...just fucking stop it.

sitting here, waiting for my mom to take me to leighannes for a 4th of july thing, feeling slightly indifferent right now...i had a really fun time last night, and my mom didn't really seem to mind me getting home at 1:30...but of course she brings it up the next morning, so im probably not gonna be able to crash at leighannes tonight, which sucks cause idk if we're gonna be drinking and if so i cant because im gonna have to be back home by at least like 11:30 >_<...i wish i could talk to john right now but of course...his phone dosen't work in fucking new york, i hate metroPCS lol...i like that i can talk to him whenever something is bothering me, and he actually talks to me about it and trys to help, ive been wanting something like that for awhile =]

i gotta go my moms ready

so, i just got home from a pretty fun day...first i was at kelly's til like almost 8ish and we bascaliy just chilled in the pool while her house got fumigated, and we had to stay outside for two hours after so we went in the pool and junk, then Eric came over and chilled for a bit and he went to go take leighanne home then we played guitar hero =] which im getting better at. But yeah, then we went to the bowling alley and played pool O_O actually the guys played pool and i was i the arcade playing tekken and galaga...and pacman (spent like fucking 15 bucks on tokens >_< ) then after we decided to leave the bowling alley at like 11 cause chris price was getting off work at like 11:30 and Eric had to go pick him up so we sat in the damn parking lot for a good like 30 mins before he got out and ended up going to Denny's after and getting a straight up bitch for a waitress, but it was fun anyway....9 of us and 12:30 just sitting in Denny's while the waitress tried to avoid coming over to our table...and tomorrow is gonna be just as great, 4th of july =] at leighanne's....but of course john is in new york for like another 5 or 6 days so he's not gonna be there and i havent seem him in like almost a week and it's definetly not cool lol...i was gonna hang out with kt today =\ but i think she got a little pissed cause i told her i was walking with leighanne kelly and liz and she just told me to chill with them and i was kinda like eh about it but whatever, i think we're supposed to be going to a Sean Kingston show lmao...random i know but it sounds fun...so yeah im sure we're fine...and yeah thats about it ....kelly made this awesome like slide show/video thing of our group lol...(me Lizzy leighanne kelly john Eric Chris Devon and soon to be max chasin) its pretty great shes gonna put it into you tube format then send it to me and I'll put it in tomorrow =] so yeah....good day today, im gonna go make a mix for Eric's car.

cheers =P